I have been waiting for someone to write a guest post about this topic because I know a lot of people have experienced, or are experiencing this. Melissa’s post brought me to tears. I am so grateful to her for her vulnerability because I know many of your will be blessed by it.
We had become roommates.
Two people inhabiting the same space coming together for meals, and in our case, since we were married to sleep. Relations were strained, stressed, snippy. It was not a sustainable path. Children, work, new house, new city, there was a lot of change and adjusting. One of us (ahem, me) does not handle change and stress and not getting her way well. I was a big part of the problem. I was trying to stay involved with my friends and life back in the city, train for a marathon and establish friends and routines in a new (to me) suburb. It was a lot.
While all this was going on we found out I was pregnant. I was actively taking measures to not get pregnant at the time. We wanted more kids but we weren’t ready yet. I was going to run a marathon first, we were going to adjust to a new house, city, LIFE. Remember that girl above who doesn’t handle change well? Add in a whole lot of hormones, stress and medical tests. It was not a pretty site.
By 12 weeks things had started to calm down a bit and I was finally starting to feel good about the pregnancy. We made it through the holidays having a really good time and I was starting to feel better about the timing. We were approaching my 17 week appointment and my husband kept remarking that it didn’t seem like I was really growing, I remember thinking he was crazy I was HUGE! The morning of my appointment I was getting dressed and had a sudden thought, what if they don’t find the heartbeat? It came out of nowhere. I had no reason to be worried so I pushed the thought out of my head, grabbed my 3yr old and headed to the appointment.
It was a cold gray February day in Chicago, it was doing the usually drizzle/snow/yuck combo. That day forever changed my life and my marriage. They didn’t hear a heart beat. I was rushed over to the pre-natal specialist at the hospital who confirmed; my baby boy had died.
Suddenly we weren’t roommate’s anymore. We were a couple literally holding each other up through the grief. I remember clinging to my husband like I had never had before. Allowing him to take care of me and comfort me. I could have pushed him away, things could have gotten worse but they didn’t, he didn’t let them.
We prayed together that night, for the first time I could remember. Oh we had prayed together at church, every night before a meal, during devotionals with our children and for our children. But that night we prayed for US. We prayed for our marriage, for me, for our baby boy, for healing, strength and understanding. That horrible day, that baby boy we lost, he probably saved our marriage. We were no longer two people occupying the same space. We were two lost and hurt souls clinging to each other for love and understanding. We prayed with and for each other and we loved…we loved like we never had before.
It seems very strange to say that my loss saved my marriage, but it did. We communicate a lot better now. It was hard at first. He would literally have to read my blog to find out what was going on in my head. Now we can talk more openly about how we are feeling. How conflicted I am about missing my lost boy while having a new beautiful baby girl. He can admit it doesn’t always feel real to him because he never saw or felt the baby. We can love wholly and completely and we can pray. Every night now he lays his hands on my back and I know he is saying a prayer for me, I can feel it. I do the same for him. We learned, in our darkest hour, that we can’t just pray for our children we need to pray for their parents, for us, for our marriage.
My miscarriage will always be this conflicted place in my heart. For it took away my beautiful baby boy, but it brought me back my husband. It showed me loud and clear that I am not the one in control and taught me to lean on He who is and my marriage and my faith will forever be stronger because of it.