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Surviving Miscarriage- Marriage, Unwrapped

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I have been waiting for someone to write a guest post about this topic because I know a lot of people have experienced, or are experiencing this. Melissa’s post brought me to tears. I am so grateful to her for her vulnerability because I know many of your will be blessed by it.

We had become roommates.

Two people inhabiting the same space coming together for meals, and in our case, since we were married to sleep. Relations were strained, stressed, snippy. It was not a sustainable path. Children, work, new house, new city, there was a lot of change and adjusting. One of us (ahem, me) does not handle change and stress and not getting her way well. I was a big part of the problem. I was trying to stay involved with my friends and life back in the city, train for a marathon and establish friends and routines in a new (to me) suburb. It was a lot.

While all this was going on we found out I was pregnant. I was actively taking measures to not get pregnant at the time. We wanted more kids but we weren’t ready yet. I was going to run a marathon first, we were going to adjust to a new house, city, LIFE. Remember that girl above who doesn’t handle change well? Add in a whole lot of hormones, stress and medical tests. It was not a pretty site.

By 12 weeks things had started to calm down a bit and I was finally starting to feel good about the pregnancy. We made it through the holidays having a really good time and I was starting to feel better about the timing. We were approaching my 17 week appointment and my husband kept remarking that it didn’t seem like I was really growing, I remember thinking he was crazy I was HUGE! The morning of my appointment I was getting dressed and had a sudden thought, what if they don’t find the heartbeat? It came out of nowhere. I had no reason to be worried so I pushed the thought out of my head, grabbed my 3yr old and headed to the appointment.

It was a cold gray February day in Chicago, it was doing the usually drizzle/snow/yuck combo. That day forever changed my life and my marriage. They didn’t hear a heart beat. I was rushed over to the pre-natal specialist at the hospital who confirmed; my baby boy had died.

Suddenly we weren’t roommate’s anymore. We were a couple literally holding each other up through the grief. I remember clinging to my husband like I had never had before. Allowing him to take care of me and comfort me. I could have pushed him away, things could have gotten worse but they didn’t, he didn’t let them.

We prayed together that night, for the first time I could remember. Oh we had prayed together at church, every night before a meal, during devotionals with our children and for our children. But that night we prayed for US. We prayed for our marriage, for me, for our baby boy, for healing, strength and understanding. That horrible day, that baby boy we lost, he probably saved our marriage. We were no longer two people occupying the same space. We were two lost and hurt souls clinging to each other for love and understanding. We prayed with and for each other and we loved…we loved like we never had before.

It seems very strange to say that my loss saved my marriage, but it did. We communicate a lot better now. It was hard at first. He would literally have to read my blog to find out what was going on in my head. Now we can talk more openly about how we are feeling. How conflicted I am about missing my lost boy while having a new beautiful baby girl. He can admit it doesn’t always feel real to him because he never saw or felt the baby. We can love wholly and completely and we can pray. Every night now he lays his hands on my back and I know he is saying a prayer for me, I can feel it. I do the same for him. We learned, in our darkest hour, that we can’t just pray for our children we need to pray for their parents, for us, for our marriage.

My miscarriage will always be this conflicted place in my heart. For it took away my beautiful baby boy, but it brought me back my husband. It showed me loud and clear that I am not the one in control and taught me to lean on He who is and my marriage and my faith will forever be stronger because of it.

Comments

  1. So brave and beautiful.

  2. I strongly believe everything happens for all the reason. All the bad I’ve experienced, has some how brought my family closer and myself more self aware.

    You portrayed the feelings perfectly.

  3. Thanks for sharing this Melissa. Sharing this place in your life encourages others in so many ways. If helps them to not feel alone. I often felt what I was feeling was just me during my losses. I am thankful to this virtual community that brings us all to together to share and not feel so alone. And together we bring a voice to the world for our angels and their lives have weight in the world just as they do in our hearts.

    Bless you
    Jen

  4. Thanks for sharing your story Melissa. It is heart wrenchingly beautiful. We lost two baby girls at around the same gestation (16 weeks) and after reading the book, “Heaven is for Real” – I can’t wait to see them in heaven someday. Blessings to you lady.

  5. Melissa that was beautiful. What strength it took for both of you to get through that – how amazing.

  6. What an emotional post; one that made tears come to my eyes. I have always thought there is a reason for everything… Your post hits that home. I am glad your marriage is stronger now, so many go the opposite way after such a loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. Maria says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this part of your journey in such a public manner. This loss is an unspoken pain that so many of us carry silently. Thank you for your words and giving testimony to the redemptive power of God.

  8. Wow, thank you for sharing. Sadly I’ve been there too and it was during that grief stricken time that I really clung to my husband and realized how blessed I am to have him.

  9. Oh, Mel. Goosebumps. That little angel did so much more than most of us would ever know … thanks for sharing what a small yet important life can do … what his did. And I’m just praising God for the restoration of your oneness. I know the roommates syndrome, and it’s something we have to actively wage war on to keep it from taking over. Love this.

  10. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.

  11. Such difficult emotions. But I’m thankful that God was able to use the pain to bring you and your husband together. Thank you for sharing. It touched my heart.

  12. Beautiful heartfelt post. Thank you so much for sharing xo

  13. I miscarried twice last year and completely understand what you mean about it bringing you closer to your husband. While is was possibly two of the most devastating events in my life it really made me aware of my depression issues and created a much stronger bond between my husband and me.

  14. I am so happy that you are talking about this – so sad

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