HOME ABOUT SPEAKING DISCLOSURE SUBSCRIBE

Parenting? – Finer Things Friday

finerthings It is a wild ride this thing called parenthood. The hubby and I are in a phase of sleeplessness. If it isn’t Lily’s allergies/coughing fits, it is Hannah’s nightmares or Silas’ just general waking up because of teething/runny nose/paci fell out/I’m 15 months old and this is what I do. There are days when I feel like I might never get a full night sleep again. So all you can do is laugh when you see something on Facebook posted by a friend about how to prepare for parenthood. As you can imagine we were laughing hardily at “lesson 3”. But they all pretty much struck a cord in one way or another. Hopefully this will get you laughing at whatever crazy drama your kids provided today.

Eleven Step Program For Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokémon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

So I am dying to know. What lesson would you add to this list?

This post is linked to Finer Things Friday at Amy’s Finer Things

Comments

  1. nail. in. the. coffin.
    Jolon @ Savvy Chic Savings recently posted…GRDates- Cooking Dates Under 25My Profile

  2. I love the one about trying to feed the swinging melon. LOL!

    Definitely there should be something in there about never going to the bathroom by yourself. And every time you get in and out of your car you have to strap two goats/octopi/snakes into and out of carseats. (Or in my case, I lift my daughter out of the car and then she has to climb back in and out herself. Another time-saver.)

  3. I love this! Especially Lesson 2!!! That made me laugh the hardest! Or was it the one about a dime in the CD player??? I echo the part about the lack of private peeing. Somehow my 4-yr.-old can tell me to leave the bathroom because he needs privacy, but when I ask for it, his ears don’t work. Sigh. Such is my life (my very blessed life, for which I am VERY thankful!).

  4. Absolutely amazing! This is the greatest thing I have read all day.
    tara recently posted…Baby Milestone- Lion Gets ExcitedMy Profile

  5. abba12 says:

    This actually makes me really sad. Don’t get me wrong, we all make jokes about the trouble toddlers are/can be, I haven’t missed the point or the ‘funny’ here. But I am 3 weeks away from having my first baby, and ALL I have heard, from EVERYONE, is comments like this. My husband has had to start acting as a buffer for me because the negativity we are getting is becoming overwhelming and begining to convince me (on those hormone driven days) that I can’t do this. We have even stopped seeing one friend because he has become downright nasty about how terrible the next 4 years are supposed to be. This is just one aspect of parenting, but it’s the one people like to focus on, seeing children so much as a burden and a nusance and telling me I’ll begin counting down the days till they begin pre-school.

    Call me a know it all if you will but some of these ‘lessons’ are just a lack of dicipline on the parents part. My husbands family would have never stood for a constantly interupting child during adult conversations, children learnt to wait their turn unless it was important, and they certainly didn’t mush food into the carseat, couch and curtains. Every child does it once or twice, sure, but they can be taught very quickly that food stays at the table/in the kitchen with a parent that is consistent in teaching this. I don’t say this because I supposedly ‘know-it-all’, I say it because I have seen multiple families with such children, and the children have not grown up into shy scared adults terrified of expressing themselves, but constructive and mature adults who are happy to take on responsibility.

    How about focusing on some of the positives. Imagine always having a little someone to cuddle, the amazment as they learn and grow, being responsible for teaching and bringing up a new life, the fun you can have playing and interacting with a child. The wonder of seeing a baby smile at you. People should really balance out their ‘new parenting advice’. It’s little wonder some 30% of girls my age have no intention of ever having children, all they’re told is what a terrible waste of time and energy it is.

    • I am really sorry this post made you sad. If you have read my blog for very long you know that quite often (more often than not in fact) I share the joys of parenting. But just like I wouldn’t want to be around a person who just shared the negative, I would not want to be around someone who made it seem like it was a breeze. Because some moments just aren’t.

      I really hope you will read Brooke’s comment as well because she said a lot of wonderful things I am not going to repeat.

      The whole point of my blog is to find the humor in parenting. In the good, the bad and the ugly. This post fit that bill and that is why I posted it. I know you will find motherhood the toughest and most wonderful job you have ever had. Please don’t get discouraged.

  6. Brooke says:

    Dear Abba12, I felt exactly the way you did 3 weeks before my son came into the world. I even felt that way 3 weeks after he came into the world. I couldn’t believe that people let their children run amuck, interrupting coversations, destroying their belongings, not eating properly, not potty trainings early, not sleeping when they were told to do so…and the list goes on. I knew a lot before he got here, but you will find that parenthood is very difficult and mulitplies exponentially with the number of children in your home, so you have to laugh at it.
    I am sorry that you have only heard all of the ‘negative’ stories of parenthood. That’s a shame, indeed. I think, however, once you get your feet wet in this whole parenthood thing, you’ll find that these ‘negatives’ that we are speaking of are actually all part of the joys. You are becoming a memeber of an elite club of parents. Believe me.
    This is the stuff you will cherish someday. My kids were NEVER going to interrupt my coversations because they would be corrected strongly as soon as they did. Guess what? They do. I do. Then, they do it again because they are kids and they don’t learn instantly. Heck, I don’t learn instantly, and that is the beauty of this whole ride: WE are learning TOGETHER. Just as you and your little one will learn together.
    It will be an amazing ride. Make no mistake, there will be days (maybe weeks) that you want to go to the person in charge and turn in your two weeks, but you can’t. And that’s a good thing because, three years later, the argument my husband and I had (the one that found me at the front door screaming, with one shoe on and keys in my hand with every intention of going I- don’t-know-where) because our then 6 month old son wouldn’t sleep through night (he still doesn’t, by the way) is funny. It’s part of who we are as parents. It’s something only someone who is a parent – as imperfect as we are — can understand. You are becoming part of an elite club of people who can laugh at these things. I wouldn’t change one minute with my kids. That’s not true, actually. I would change all of those moments that I expected too much of them and didn’t enjoy the madness of trying to reason with people who haven’t developed reason yet. Good luck to you! I know you’ll be a great mom.

    PS — please add to the list the magical way that the sound of the carseat clcking closed makes my son have to pee — NOW.

  7. I love this one! I had a friend post it on FB the other day,too. It makes me laugh every time I read it!

  8. This is absolutely hilarious and so true!!!

    Of course I would only add… Take your loneliness night, tuck your self in bed with a teddy bear that smells like baby powder and imagine that teddy bear holding onto you for dear life and kissing you on the cheek before dozing off…

    Parenting is hard work, but those precious moments and all that love make it so worth it!

  9. I saw this in an email and died because it’s so dead on! Thanks for posting now I can share on Facebook.

  10. Oh. my. Maybe I should get back on the pill? LOL! Thanks for sharing this!
    Jen recently posted…Things I Love Thursday – Simple Suppers!My Profile

  11. I just laughed, till I cried. This is such a great picture of what parent hood feels like sometimes and yet we love it anyway :)
    Stephanie recently posted…January 13- 2011My Profile

  12. Lesson 10 & 11 made me laugh! My Wendy is now 4, and by definition a 4 year old is that creature that never stops talking/singing/chattering/whining/yelling/talkingtalkingTALKING the entire time they are awake. And sometimes when they are asleep. And they have to be either touching Mama or otherwise within a 9-inch radius of Mama when doing all of that.
    Jeni recently posted…Ways to Beat the Winter Blahs without taking a cruise in the CaribbeanMy Profile

  13. I thought these were hilarious! Each one of our kids were so different and we wouldn’t trade them for anything. In fact our daughter is 17 today. We never had a food stuck in the cd or dvd players, but we’ve had plenty of other fun moments. What about never going to the bathroom alone or being afraid of going to the bathroom for fear of what they will do while you’re in there.
    Lynnet recently posted…ǝʌoɹƃ ǝɥʇ oʇuı ƃuıʇʇǝƃ- Entitlement or blessingsMy Profile

  14. oh amanda says:

    I am crying I’m laughing so hard. Hilarious.
    oh amanda recently posted…My New FavoriteMy Profile

  15. Before I had children, I had delusions of grandeur, myself. “MY child WILL sleep in their own bed. Period.” “MY child will always ask to be excused from the table.” “MY child will have a varied diet of fruits and vegetables and will eat what’s in front of them or do without!” I won’t bore you with the rest of the list, as it was quite extensive, because I’m sure you get the point! LOL!

    I don’t feel this post puts children in a negative light as much as it makes fun of all of us parents who started out with the best of intentions. As mentioned earlier, we are all still learning on this magnificent journey called parenthood, and laughter friends, will take us far. I just bought a book entitled “I Was A Really Great Mom Until I Had Kids” and I can’t wait to gobble it up. I’m sure like this wonderful blog, it will have me in tears at points… from pure laughter!

  16. I love this. I too was very humbled by what I thought I knew before having kids particularly my second daughter taught me that I didn’t know as much about being a parent as I thought. In my prior life I was an elementary teacher even that did not prepare me for parenthood. It is so much harder, a joy but hard, kind of like marriage and life. Nothing good comes without work or pain. As for the pp that mentioned these “bad times are what we end up laughing about it is so true. I’ll never forget when my daughters poured several large containers of glitter on my kitchen floor and then dumped the mop bucket that I was trying to clean the glitter with all over my floor and played on then swam in their underwear on my glitter covered floor. So glad that even in my frustration I stopped to video the craziness. And yes my daughter stuck a coin in my car cd player. I was driving home from the store and my dash started smoking. I thought the car was going to explode so I got her out and called a tow truck and my hubby. Turns out we just had turned our cd layer into a piggy bank.
    Lesson 12 Removing small objects from orifices. Using an Operation game stuff all of the holes with corn, raisins, marbles try to remove the object without making the little guy buzz.
    Lesson 13- Learning to re-roll the whole roll of toilet paper. Put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll grab the end and walk from one end of the house to the other. Now return to the bathroom and try to roll the toilet paper back onto the roll without tearing it.
    Lesson 14 Bodily fluids and other grossness
    Turn a honey bottle upside and try to keep the table under it wiped so that no honey is running onto the table. Go to a park that has a sprinkler or fountain that comes on and off try to run through it without getting wet.
    Lesson 15 Getting your arms strong enough to hold baby. Purchase two ten pound bags of potatos hold them both in one arm without setting them down. While using the other arm to push an empty stroller walk around the mall for a few hours until you feel like the burn in your arm is going to kill you. Then carry that load around for another 30 mins.
    Lesson 16 What materials are truly harmful if swallowed? Within the course of a few weeks eat a Polly Pocket shoe, google eye, a piece of plastic fork and a Christmas light bulb. Keep notes if you were in pain and if you passed said objects. Don’t forget to check for objects.

  17. I laughed out loud about shoving an octopus into a mesh sack. I am so there right now. Also the goats in the grocery store.

    (Though I will say that most of the mess & stains in our house are from us parents spilling wine or coffee, the two drink requirements of all parents…who then don’t have sense or wakefullness not to drink them in the living room on the white carpet without spilling)
    heather hammond recently posted…Raw Milk ExperienceMy Profile

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge