It is time for my kids to go back to school. Well from my perspective anyway. And probably theirs too. But according to the great state of Michigan it isn’t time yet. Despite the fact the rest of the country is heading back, we have to wait three more weeks. Until September. It is getting unbearable.
And so we go round in circles getting frustrated with each other. Me trying to remember the rules of parenting: don’t raise your voice, don’t argue, don’t lose your temper, don’t overreact. They doing everything in their power to push every button I have. It leaves me exhausted, depleted, and feeling like I really should have this parenting thing figured out by now.
The thing about these phases of parenting is that you are not just left questioning how you are parenting today. You are left questioning every parenting decision you have ever made up until today that has, in fact, led you to today. Maybe if I was a bit more strict when she was 3, maybe I over indulged when she was 4, maybe I shouldn’t have sent her on to Kindergarten when she was 5. Maybe, maybe, maybe… if I just would have done that one thing different/better/perfect we wouldn’t be dealing with bad attitudes/ungratefulness/mean spiritedness today.
I am left doing the thing every older, wiser parent tells you not to do. Wishing away the time. Wishing the weeks until school started would go faster. Wishing this age would be done with so an easier one would come (ha), or at the very least wishing 5:30 would come already so it can be their daddy’s problem. And then hating myself all over again because surely a “good” mommy would never wish away a moment with her child. I have even found myself thinking that I should just focus on the baby since he hasn’t been “messed up” by my inadequate parenting. Maybe I can do it right with him.
I have no answers. No epiphany. No neat way to wrap up this post. This is just where I am at right now. And that is ok. I know it isn’t forever.