So obviously it is 2013 and I am quite used to sex being used to sell things. Apparently now it sells cat food. Have you seen this commerical?

Is Eva Longoria really that desperate for work that she is doing commercials like this (and that awful looking bachelor knock off)?

Help me dear readers. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS COMMERICAL???

yeah, I know, but what picture would you use????

Whew. Sorry I disappeared for a bit there. We were dealing with Pukefest 2013 around these parts and blogging just took a back seat (we are getting t-shirts to commemorate the event).

I’m not going to lie. As I have watched various flus make their way through my Facebook feed and Twitter stream I have been a bit cocky that we have been so healthy for so long. I seriously credit all our changes in diet to our sick-free run (eliminating processed food, eating mainly from farmers, etc.). It has been years since anyone in this house has had more than a sniffle.

But I think this baby upset our delicate ecosystem. Because she started throwing up on Thursday and it was all downhill from there. Each of us had some version of the flu at some point, the high point being when Silas and Hannah were fighting for puke space over the same bowl (we are pro puke bowl in our house, no leaning over the toilet for our high class family).

We are mostly on the upswing around these parts (except for my dear parents who helped us out during Pukefest 2013 to their own demise). And I am hoping we have put in our time for the next five years. Because, although my kids bounce back astonishingly well, I am getting too old for this.

Here are five things I enjoyed while stuck in bed with a puke bowl:

1. Sparkly Green Earrings : Way back in the day when I first started reading blogs, before I even had a blog of my own, Melanie’s Big Mama was one of the first blogs I read. It is one that I truly look forward to showing up in my reader every morning. And her book was just like a big, long, blog post. Her daughter Caroline is almost the same age as Lily and her journey through parenting has a lot of parallels to mine. I laughed, I cried, I puked. Although I am pretty sure the puking part had nothing to do with the book. You have been warned though.
2. Bread & Wine : I am a giant fan of Shauna Niequist. At times it borders on stalker, but for the purposes of this post we shall call it fandom. Her new book has a bit of a different feel from Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet (both books that I LOVED) and that is good and bad. I still love her storytelling. It is what she does best. And I love the idea of life being lived around a table and shared meals. But the book didn’t grab me quite as much as her previous writings. That being said, I still really enjoyed it and can’t wait to tackle a few of her recipes (I already made her flourless chocolate brownies and they might have changed my life forever).
3. Cross Me Color: This app might be my downfall. While the rest of you are playing Candy Crush (which I refuse to even look into for fear of an addiction), I have become addicted to this game. It is some sort of cross between Sudoku and color by number. Or something. I don’t know, but I can’t stop. I actually deleted it from my tablet pre- Pukefest because it was becoming a problem. But I have temporarily brought it back. Just until I feel better. I promise……………
4. Doof’s Daily Dirt: My kids love Phineas and Ferb. LOVE. And although I occasionally catch a snippet from time to time, I don’t pay them much attention. Well somehow Lily and I stumbled upon these little clips from the evil genius Doof and laughed our heads off. Honestly me more than her because there are a lot of pop culture references she just doesn’t get (none inappropriate, just over her head). We made our way through all of them, and they are all hilarious, but this one about Instagram was so funny. Especially in light of the fact that most everything he talked about can be found in my friend stream at this very moment.
5. My family: It may be ironic to enjoy your family when you are all wishing death would just come and take you already, but we had a blast together (outside of the whole puking thing). Getting sick forces you to slow down and take stock. We did a lot of movie watching, laying around in our king sized bed, and reading together. Even getting to take care of some sick kiddos and hubby is an amazing privilege. So while I am glad the flu is on its way out I will miss all the quality time and am committed to keeping the “all family, all the time” vibe going around here.

Let’s start off by saying, I am not a morning person. That might also be a ridiculous overstatement.

But every morning these darn kids of mine wake up and expect breakfast and a ride to school. Entitled brats. And so despite my attempts to sleep until 9 and let the nanny deal with the kids (wait I don’t have a nanny), I have to be somewhat functional during the 7 o’clock hour.

But there is only so much functionality in me at that time of day. And so while lunches are made, diapers changed and children fed, me getting myself together never seems to fit into the schedule.

Which is why 90% of the time you can find me in the school drop off line in some sort of pajamas with a sweatshirt thrown over the top and a hat on my head. Thankfully for most of the school year I can do that under the cloak of darkness and I don’t have to ever get out of the car. 

Today was no different. I rushed out the door and dropped my kids off and at the last minute remembered that I needed to pick up something at the dry cleaner around the corner from the school. Although I wasn’t remotely appropriately dressed for errands, I had to pick up the blazer from Land’s End that I was wearing to Blissdom (the baby decided to projectile vomit on me while I was trying it on) and this was my only chance to get it.

So I pulled up in front and ran in knowing this dry cleaner is always empty when I go. Except today. Which is why I greeted a well dressed dad from my kid’s private school (and also my bible study) dressed like this:

please excuse the grainy cell phone picture (and in general everything else going on here)

Take special note of how one pajama pant leg is tucked into my snow boots while the other is over the boot. Also you can’t get the full effect of my bedhead which is pulled into a ponytail with a ratty gym headband. At least my oversized sweatshirt has our kid’s school logo on it (because this is EXACTLY the kind of advertisement they want). I may also mention that I am missing a key undergarment.

I think it is safe to say that I put the K in Klassy. It is also probably a good idea I am leaving town for a few days and that I will be clothed in Land’s End (although after this picture they might be reconsidering their sponsorship).

The title of this post is an ode to my dearest friend Mary over at Giving Up on Perfect who is my Blissdom roomie. She will also be pleased to know that I packed my “fancy” pajamas just for her. I can’t wait to see her and all my other Blissdom peeps (and escape the 5 inches of snow and 20 degree weather we are blessed with on this first day of spring).

So I have a confession to make. I normally don’t channel surf. We usually have enough stuff on the DVR to keep us happy. But tonight I had exhausted all my DVR possibilities outside of Phineas and Ferb and Bubble Guppies.

I flipped around the channels and there was some bizarre gravitational force that pulled me to The Bachelor. I am so ashamed.

I am not a Bachelor or Bachelorette watcher. Not that there is anything wrong with that (actually there is so much wrong with that, but I am trying to be nice). So I knew the basic premise but I didn’t completely know what to expect. I had caught a tiny bit of this show while stuck in a hotel room so I knew who the Bachelor was, but beyond that, clueless.

Oh my word y’all (yes, this calls for a y’all), this show is a freaking train wreck!! And I could not stop laughing at these poor women. Like laughing at them when they were bawling their eyes out. That can’t be right can it?

The only thing that is making me feel slightly better about tuning in is that I got some good points to make in marriage preparation classes this weekend. Oh and that I am not watching a show about celebrities high diving. What on earth is happening??????

Do you watch The Bachelor? More importantly, does it require wine?

I have this inner voice that is always prodding me to do inappropriate things. Kind of like the devil on my shoulder. Although they aren’t particularly evil things. Just inappropriate things that make me (and usually my husband when I tell him) giggle.

For example.

We are on vacation this week and of COURSE that means I got my period (I know. Talk about inappropriate. But I didn’t know how else to phrase it and it is necessary to the story. Sorry mom). I packed what seemed like an arsenal of feminine hygiene products but of course still somehow managed to run out.

So today I took a short detour to Walgreens to buy tampons (again. sorry). When I got there I discovered they were having a buy one get one 50% off sale. I wisely decided it made sense to buy two packs because, unless menopause is coming earlier these days, I would in fact need more at some point.

I walk to the counter armed with just two boxes of tampons and nothing else. I pay for them and as I am finished checking out the cashier very politely and appropriately says, “Have a nice day.”

Since I will never walk in this Walgreens in a strange city again, it took EVERYTHING within me not to scream back, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WILL BE HAVING A GOOD DAY?????” in my craziest, woman on a PMS rampage voice.

I still a little bit regret that I didn’t. Perhaps that woman needed a good laugh.

The hubby doesn’t travel much for work anymore but when he does it honestly sucks because we all miss him a bunch and everyone seems to get really whiny and crabby, not the least of which, me. So one of the delights of summer is that when he has a drivable work trip, we all pile in the car, cram in the hotel room and make a vacation out of it.

I know some people don’t consider road trips to random destinations awesome, but that is how our little family rolls. We like an adventure.

Some people have a different idea of a vacation adventure. Ryan is one of them. He keeps trying to tell me we should be a camping family. He even registered for camping equipment when we got married. As he pointed the gun at tents and sleeping bags, I looked at him worried that he had asked the wrong girl to marry him. Turns out he just thought he could make a camper out of me.

Eleven years later he has stopped trying. We are all much happier for that.

I have a vacation motto and it is a simple one: If you have to walk to pee or wear shoes in the shower, it is not a vacation.

I made a little button for those of you who would like to live by my motto. It would be awesome to stand in solidarity with like minded (smart minded) people so feel free to share this motto with your circle of friends. Especially those crazy (insert other, less appropriate words here) friends who keep trying to sell you on the awesomeness of a pop up camper.

You are welcome.

Do you like to camp?

So the bad news is I have fallen a little behind in getting some sponsored posts done I committed to do before the end of the month.  So there will be more of them than I typically like in the next few weeks. The good news is you are going to get a funny story or two along the way.

Let this be a lesson to you: Never let God hear you say you aren’t feeling like you have much to write about these days……

As you all may know, I drive a rocking swagger wagon. I love my Toyota Sienna, but, let’s be honest, it is pretty much a kid-mobile. And since we don’t like moving car seats around that car goes where the kids go. So when I had to go to a one day blogging conference this weekend , leaving the kiddos behind, I got to take the hubby’s car.

About a month ago, the hubby finally upgraded from his 1996 Chevy Blazer. Yes, 1996. I had just gotten back from my trip to L.A. with Toyota and tried to convince him to go that way, but he did his own thing and found a “new to us” Jaguar X-Type (you must hear the British guy from the commercial in your head when you read that). You also should know it is really a glorified Ford Taurus. But It is a stick and I must admit, I do love to drive that thing when I get a chance.

So I picked up my blogging partner in crime, Jen from Big Binder Blog, and we drove our way into Chicago. After a fun filled conference learning and networking and reconnecting with old friends, we bailed on the final cocktail party so we could get home to our families. We both had been traveling for our blogs too much for our liking lately and it just seemed the right thing to do.

I pulled off at the exit that I almost always pull off it on my way to and from Chicago and the car starts sputtering every time I put it in first gear. I manage to get it pulled into a parking lot, but then nothing I do will get the car to start. Battery you say? Well oddly enough the car starts fine as soon as I put it into neutral, but then I can’t get it into any gears. Oh stick shift. You kill me.

Google, Jen’s husband, my husband and my father-in-law, put their brains together and decided something is wrong with my car. Actually I kid. They were uber helpful, but ultimately there isn’t much they can do from far away.

We are currently two hours from home but walking distance from Mexican food. So I call the hubby and break the news to him that he will have to come get us, call a tow company and drown my sorrows in a big bowl of guacamole.

A whole bunch of other things did not go smoothly as we wait for the hubby, the tow truck and a little sanity, but thankfully the guacamole and daiquiri have helped me block it out. Having Jen with my completely saved me from curling up in the fetal position and having a daiquiri/guacamole fiesta.

We ended our evening in a McDonalds using their wifi to broadcast our drama on Twitter and Facebook. About 5 minutes before the hubby walked in we had two offers to spend the night with people who lived in Chesterton and one offer of wine. Sadly we instead packed up to head home.

We got home at 2 am. A mere 7 hours after we left Chicago. With our car still in Chesterton. Our swagger wagon is supposed to go into the shop this week for some routine stuff as well. THANKFULLY, God must have known this hot mess was going to happen because Tuesday the good people of Toyota will be dropping off a brand spanking new Toyota 4Runner for me to drive for the week.

I will be writing a post detailing my experience with this car, but it is now more than a car. It is a lifesaver. And with a third row seat, full entertainment system and Bluetooth technology I have a feeling everyone in this family is going to be pretty sad to see it go. I will definitely be blogging about our adventures soon.

To be continued……

Disclosure: I was selected for participation in the TWIN community through a program with Clever Girls Collective. I did not receive any compensation for writing this post, or payment in exchange for participating. The opinions expressed herein are mine, and do not reflect the views of Toyota.

In case you didn’t know, Ryan and I go on our local Fox News station every few weeks to talk about marriage. They call us the “relationship whisperers”. Okay so they only called us that once. And it was as a joke. But still.

I love this picture that Lily caught today while we were waiting to go live. Excuse the blurry but an 8 year old armed with a cell phone is no professional.

Stay classy Grand Rapids

My kids are a little sheltered. They are young so I have no problem with that fact. As they get older that will not be the case so I am holding onto little shreds of innocence as long as I can.

In our house “swear words” are stupid, dumb and fart. Often described by my kids as the s-word, the d-word and the f-word, I get a little nervous when we are out in public and one of them exclaims loudly, “Mom, Hannah just said the f-word!!!” Good times.

In that vein we also try not to listen to radio that has questionable lyrics. Often times this completely rules out listening to much more than Veggie Tales CDs, but occasionally I will throw caution to the wind and turn on the regular radio and see what happens. With Katy Perry ruling the airwaves it is a risky proposition.

So when the epitome of high class music “I’m Sexy and I Know It” came on I did a quick change of the station. Lily, being a wise 3rd (ack soon to be 4th) grader said she knew that song because kids sing it sometimes at school even though it is VERY inappropriate (inappropriate is a favorite word of hers).

Hannah, not to be out down proclaimed that one of her little friends sings that song a lot and began to sing the lyrics.

“I’m sixty and I know it!!!”

Then she got very solemn and serious and pronounced it to be a naughty song. Later in the week Hannah caught my mom giggling to herself and saying, “I’m sixty and I know it”. Hannah gasped and said, “COCO!!! That is a BAD word.” My mom, being quick on her feet, changed her age to reflect the correct number (sixty- something).

Hannah sighed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted. Who knew celebrating the big Six-O was so scandalous??!!!!

What lyrics do your kids sing wrong?

Sigh. So I had a nice little post planned for last night that I planned on working on after getting home from a lovely birthday dinner for one of my friends.

Unfortunately instead I spent the night in bed with my eye swollen a la Will Smith in Hitch. I’m bringing sexy back.

This eye thing (along with shortness of breath and feeling like I might hurl) have happened once before a few months ago. And I was reminded that both times I was around shrimp. So with the power of Facebook, Dr. Google and of course Hitch, I have determined I am allergic to shellfish.

Thankfully this isn’t much of a bummer since I don’t, in fact, eat shellfish. Shrimp totally gross me out. They are the cockroaches of the sea. But since both times I had the reaction I didn’t actually eat any, I am thinking I need to be careful even being around it. And I REALLY should avoid picking them up and rubbing them on my eye.

So no shrimp for me. Thankfully I have no reaction to chocolate, ice cream wine or Novella. Actually I have been noticing some major swelling around the waistline. Not sure it that is related…….