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Before I Was A Mom…..

 

ultrasound

Before I was a mom, I thought I had a handle on love. I mean I loved my parents and my brother even when I didn’t like them. Which in the teenage years was probably more often than not. I even had a few boyfriends a uttered the “L” word to. And at the time I fully meant it. Looking back I hesitate to say I didn’t, but can it be love when it is so incredibly selfish? Either way at the time I would have swore up and down that I loved to the fullest of my capacity.

Before I was a mom, I fell in love with my husband and stood up in front of family and friends and pledged eternity to him. It was the first “grown up” love of my life. More about the other person than myself. And I still believe fully that I will love this man until I die. But that was 8 years ago now and I laugh at what untested love looks like. Love is so much less about saying the words “for better or worse” and really living that out on a daily basis. I love my hubby in a way I never thought possible to love another human being, but then I became a mom. This isn’t at all to say I love my kids more than my hubby, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was different.

Before I was a mom, I never knew that you could love something that was a tiny spec inside your belly. I never knew you could love something so fiercely that I only knew through the sound of a heartbeat through a doppler. I never knew I could love something that gave me heartburn, kicked me in the ribs and made me generally miserable. And then they pulled her out of me and handed me this swaddled, cone headed baby and my heart felt like it was going to explode. Truly explode right out of my chest.

Before I was a mom, I never would have been able to comprehend how a being who offered me very little in return could so quickly become the center of my universe. How day after day of having someone in your life take, take, take, that little person could make up for it by giving me one little smile. I never knew that I would stand over her crib at night and weep because I wanted so much for her and knew I would fail her over and over.

Before I was a mom, I never knew that having a second child wouldn’t diminish my love for my first in any way. I didn’t know that the heart grows instead of divides. I worried that I might love one child more than the other and although there are definitely times when I like one more than the other, I know nothing on earth could make me love either one any less.

Before I was a mom, I didn’t know how much hatred I could feel towards a 5 year old girl when she says something mean about my kid. I didn’t know that it would be possible to want to push down a 3 year old boy who knocks over my precious 3 year old. I didn’t know how much it would physically hurt to watch my child suffer and feel helpless to do anything. And I didn’t fully understand the constant parental tension between wanting to protect my children from every possible hurt in life and knowing that hurt is what allows growth. I didn’t know that that tension would make me feel sick to my stomach and keep me up at night.

Before I was a mom, I didn’t know that watching my hubby be a dad would make me love him even more. I thought I had maxed out the capacity cause I married such a great guy who is really easy to love. But when I see him coloring with the girls or playing prince to their princess my heart melts all over again. I had never seen him with kids before we had them and it wasn’t that I didn’t think he would be a good dad, it was just that I had no idea he would blow me away with the kind of dad he is. He prays scripture over the girls every night and I often catch him literally on his knees praying for our family. I am amazed at how much room my heart still has in it to grow in love for him 8 years in.

Before I was a mom, I don’t think I completely “got” how much God loved me. I mean I got it in theory. In a warm, fuzzy, vacation bible school sort of way. Like a “let’s all join hands and sing Jesus Loves Me” sort of way. But he gave up his kid for me. GAVE UP HIS KID. And I love my kids in a flawed, I yell too much, I discipline inconsistently, I don’t give them enough vegetables sort of way. He loved his in a perfect, flawless way. And he gave him up for me. To say that I fully get it now would be a lie because how do you “get” something like that. But I get this. He loves us so much cause we are his kids that he would do anything for us. He would lay down his life for us. Laying down your life for your kids….that I get. I would do it in a heartbeat.

This post was submitted as part of MamaBlogga’s group writing project.

Comments

  1. That is an incredibly beautiful post. And so very true. Although I only have one. But I have to say I have often wandered about my love for two, thanks for giving me insight into that.
    .-= Tricia ´s last blog ..Menu Plan Monday – August 10th =-.

  2. all I can say is WOW, good job!
    .-= Alyssa´s last blog ..Menu Plan Monday – Some Favorites =-.

  3. The last paragraph of this made me cry. Nicely done.

  4. Amen!
    .-= Kristi_runwatch´s last blog ..Why we’re planning to homeschool =-.

  5. What a beautifully-written reflection on mother-love. Being a mom has taught me more about God than I ever would have guessed, especially when I see my own selfish & sinful behavior mirrored in my child. What patience God must have, to put up with humans in general, and me specifically!!
    .-= Jeni´s last blog ..Bound to Happen =-.

  6. Being a new mommy and a Christ lover…this has touched me at the deepest point in my soul. Thank you for blessing me so much tonight!
    .-= Myra´s last blog ..Crazy Mommy (& Daddy) Therapy Sesson =-.

  7. Andrea says:

    This is so beautiful, Jill.

  8. WOW! Gave me chills. Beautiful post.

  9. Beautiful!!

    I don’t really know what else to say except reading that was just beautiful!
    .-= Amber @ Classic Housewife´s last blog ..Our School Room =-.

  10. LOL! And I said “beautiful” before I knew everyone else said it too. I opened the link in another tab when I saw it come through Twitter and it was sitting there (still comment free) waiting for me to read until just a few moments ago.

    So I guess you can know that it really was beautifully written if we’re all thinking the same thing. :)
    .-= Amber @ Classic Housewife´s last blog ..Our School Room =-.

  11. Awesome!!

    My youngest is going off to his first year of college, so I’m a wee bit older than y’all, but not so old that I don’t remember the days . . . keeping Christ the center of the home and clinging to the promise of “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it,” has been our mantra and I’m happy to see that we’re not alone!

    Keep on keepin’ on–it DEFINITELY pays off!!
    .-= Laurie ´s last blog ..I can’t sleep . . . therefore I post =-.

  12. jill, you are amazing. as always. guess that writer’s block is gone, huh? In a big way, I’d say!
    .-= Erin G´s last blog ..About That Giant Rainbow Cupcake… =-.

  13. Oy vey….give me a minute to catch my breath on that one!

    WOW! Beautiful and worthy of a standing ovation! I couldn’t have said it better myself!!!!
    .-= Kellye´s last blog ..Things I love Thursday =-.

  14. I was actually laying in bed last night thinking about this very thing. I would lay down my life in a second for that little squirt laying in her crib. And that must be just how God feels about us. He DID lay down His life for me.
    .-= Vanderbilt Wife´s last blog ..Top Ten Things I Learned While Getting a Massage Saturday =-.

  15. LisaAnn says:

    Very well written! Isn’t being a Mom, wife and Christian amazing?! I feel so sorry for those who cannot or will not allow themselves to bask in the love of family and Christ.
    .-= LisaAnn´s last blog ..Pets =-.

  16. love this post! :)
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..Swagbucks =-.

  17. Before being a mom, i had no idea that after letting my children go into the scarey world and trusting them to God I would be brought to tears seeing them become parents and sharing with them the wonderful joy/pain of raising children.

  18. I only have one word for this post – BEA-U-TIFUL!
    .-= Laurie´s last blog ..July Camping Trip =-.

  19. Hands Down – My favorite post to date! Gorgeous words, from a stunning woman!
    .-= Quatro_Mama´s last blog ..Kickin’ It Old School… =-.

  20. Thank you for sharing your heart in this beautiful post!
    .-= Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Love me some wings =-.

  21. Yes,thats so very true.Just liked the way you have pour out your heart.It just touched my heart since am also a mom of 4 yr old son and understand how much true it is!your blog just deserve one word that is” wonderful”.Keep up the good work and looking for future updates!!!

    Just stumbled and submitted your site to http://Viralogy.com.Hope you get some great traffic from it. Your blog is here http://www.viralogy.com/blogs/my/6114
    Janice

  22. Jill, this is such a beautiful post. I had tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. I so often think the same way but could never have written it as well as you!
    .-= Kristi´s last blog ..Stories While We Wait =-.

  23. This is a wonderful post, Jill. I feel like I didn’t get how much God loved me until I could have that perspective of a parent, either. Or how ungrateful, whiny, annoying and disobedient I was being to Him. Good job writing this.
    .-= Jen@BigBinder´s last blog ..Grand Rapids Round Up =-.

  24. Here from Fiddledeedee’s link. This is beautiful, and so true.
    .-= Barbara H.´s last blog ..A few pictures from the wedding festivities =-.

  25. Okay, this post somehow just perfectly described every thing I feel for my little one & my unborn one as well, all together in a few sentences. Beautiful.

    I, too, never fully understood God’s sacrifice in giving up His Son, but now I thank Him for it more than daily. I can’t imagine the pain & sacrifice He went through for us. Thank you for writing this.
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..Snapshots of Today =-.

  26. Awesome post!
    .-= Jennwith4´s last blog ..Repurposing =-.

  27. What an amazing post, Jill! I’m sorry I missed it before.

    I’ve really begun to understand why motherhood is God’s plan for women after having children. Not only does it show us how He loves us (and how much better He loves us), but having children helps us to grow in ways we could never grow without them.

    Thanks so much for participating!!
    .-= Jordan (MamaBlogga)´s last blog ..August GWP Day . . . next =-.

  28. Elizabeth Hanson says:

    Ok, this was absolutely beautiful! I felt like I was reading my life…especially not knowing that I could have enough heart to go around thing!! I have 8 children, and my heart has grown to love them all!! And the correlation between mothering and God’s love for us was beautifully stated! God bless you!

  29. lovely post enjoyed reading

  30. Hey, I follow you on Twitter but just found your blog via Stumble! I feel like I’ve gone full circle now.

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