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An Open Letter to the People of the Gym

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  1. The Gunner: Clearly you are incredibly fit and seem to live at the gym. I see you here every time I come and you seem to take multiple classes in a row each time. You are always front and center in front of the instructor. When we run laps around the gym and you feel the need to pass everyone multiple times and when we use weights you feel the need to use triple the weight everyone else. WE GET IT. You are in incredible shape. Get over yourself.
  2. Tammy Faye: You do know you are at a place where you work out right? Not at a night out on the town. I am unclear as to why you put on full makeup before you work out. And by full I mean more makeup than I have ever worn in all of my life combined. And your hair. It is teased and sprayed like you just came from the salon. Let’s not even get started on your jewelry. Is Harry Winston your uncle? Look around. The rest of us are one step up from hobo. Get with the “just rolled out of bed” program.
  3. Taut College Student: Look how cute and tiny you are with your college t-shirt and your short shorts with those charming words written across your rear. I remember when I could eat an entire pizza in one sitting and my metabolism hadn’t slowed to the pace of a turtle. Please tell me that you love your body. That you never stand in front of a mirror checking out imaginary cellulite. Please tell me that you think your perky boobs are fabulous because someday in the not so distant future those puppies are going head south along with the rest of your bod. Enjoy it while you can.
  4. Old Naked Woman: It is awesome that at your very, very advanced age you are still coming to the gym for aqua aerobics. Seriously. Kudos to you. But I am unclear to your need to be naked in the locker room. I get it when you are right out of the shower. But I don’t understand your need to REMAIN completely naked while you dry your hair, put on makeup, bend over to apply lotion and generally just walk around the locker room. It isn’t that your old, it’s just that that kind of naked is really only acceptable if you live in a grotto with Hugh Hefner.
  5. Bench Hoarder: While we are on the subject of locker rooms, there are a lot of us in here. It isn’t the biggest space in the world so perhaps laying out every single thing in your gym bad across the bench is not the most considerate move. See how the rest of us are standing around struggling to find a place to set our stuff so we can get dressed? See how I am over here digging around on the floor? Perhaps you could spare an inch or two next time you are here. If it isn’t too much trouble.
  6. Incognito: Hey you. Way in the back corner. As far from the door and instructor as you can go. Trying hard not to be noticed as you do the moves off beat from the rest of the people. Yes you. You’re in my spot…..
  7. Cougar: Well you certainly look wonderful for your age. Then again every part has been paid for. And apparently you want to get your money’s worth as you prance around in your workout gear trying to catch the eye of every man in the gym. Certainly those particular stretches you are doing right in front of the free weights are getting attention. I am not sure if it is the kind of attention you are looking for. But you are certainly catching our attention.
  8. Biggest loser: I know you are self conscious. I can see it in the way you carry yourself and how you try and sneak in and out of the classes and equipment without anyone noticing. Yes you are carrying some extra pounds. And yes you aren’t in the best shape. But this is worth it. Hold your head high and keep on keeping on. In the most non condescending way I am so proud of you. Seriously, keep it up.
  9. Mismatched Mama: You know they make super cute workout gear. Cute little matchy outfits with Nike swooshes on them. The oversized sweatpants and hubby’s ratty t-shirt look is so…….wait, that is me again…..
  10. Locker Room Attendant: Just a quick FYI. The locker room looks great (except for Miss Hoggy Hoggerson- see number 5), but there seems to be a problem with the scale. It is weighing 3 pounds heavier than my home scale. I am sure that can’t be right. So if you could just get that adjusted that would be fabulous. Signed- I need every pound I can get.

Who is at your gym?

This post is linked up to Top Ten Tuesday at Oh Amanda

Comments

  1. And, I say this in all honesty: Jill, you have got to be one of the funniest women I know! This is hysterical, because of one simple fact: it is TRUE. Every woman has seen at least half of these people at their gym, and thought, “What the….?” at some point.

    Seriously–thanks for the giggle tonight.
    Devin recently posted…Typical girlMy Profile

  2. Speaking on behalf of the employees at the gym: RIGHT ON!

    I think you nailed the major ones there. As an employee, we also see the Constant Complainer (even when nothing is wrong) and the Soccer Mom (the ones that come just to get out of the house and socialize).
    Sarah recently posted…Target Highlights 1-16-1-22-11My Profile

  3. OH. MY. WORD. You are hilarious! Thanks for the much-needed laugh today!

  4. Thanks for this hilarious and so TRUE post! We must go to the same gym.
    Nicole B recently posted…The Little Red Hen Would Love My Nutrimill!My Profile

  5. You are hilarious. Can’t wait to see you next week! (You ARE going to Blissdom, right??)
    Musings of a Housewife recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday- 10 Things I Learned At TargetMy Profile

  6. Sabrina says:

    holy crap this is hilarious. and sadly very true. and i agree with the other poster who said don’t forget the soccer mom who comes for “social hour”. but there’s also the person who smells so bad that no one wants to be within 5 machines of them. and the farting old man who can’t stop farting with each step while he’s on the treadmill or elliptical. thanks so much for the laugh! you are absolutely hilarious!

  7. This is hilarious. I laughed at each one, because they’re right! Thank you for a much needed laugh.
    Christina recently posted…Theres Just One MommyMy Profile

  8. Hahahaha very entertaining. :)
    Kara @ KSS recently posted…Master Bedroom InspirationMy Profile

  9. I love that you wrote this! I know each of these people and I’ll soon be taking names. I was trying to think if you left anyone out. Nope. Looks good. :)
    heather hammond recently posted…Sweet Potato QuesadillasMy Profile

  10. Hmmm, I guess I wouldnt know because I don’t go to the gym :::blush:::. Thanks for this lol :).

  11. Well, it’s been a while since I was a regular, but, boy does this bring back memories. I especially remember The Gunner and Tammy Faye and Naked (not necessarily old) Woman and Cougar. No matter when I went to the gym, the Gunner was ALWAYS there. How was that possible? One time, for reals, someone (a Cougar/ Tammy Faye type) in a class who was upset that we had taken her usual spot, ended her tirade to me and my sister with the comment “And besides, I have a better body.” No lie. She was like 20 years older than me and my sister (in our late teens/early twenties) — back when I worked out. P.S. She did have a better body, but, wow, sad that she said it.
    Betsy (Eco-novice) recently posted…A Brief History of Potty TrainingMy Profile

  12. This is amazing–and startlingly accurate! :)

  13. love this…i don’t even go to the gym, and i had to laugh!! :D

  14. hahahahaha LOVE THIS!! :) One of your funniest.
    Erin G recently posted…Lego CakeMy Profile

  15. Don’t forget the Zumba class regular that gets waaaaaaay too into the choreography– ample, child-bearing hips grinding, shimmying so hard her boobs keep going 30 seconds after the music stops, eyes squeezed shut as she pictures herself on a pole and Johnny Depp tucking a twenty into her G-string…

    (What? It could happen. I’m getting really good.)
    Babybloomr recently posted…A New Addition not THAT kind– get a grip- people! Public Bath Houses and ‘Angels in the Attic’! edited to addMy Profile

  16. My gym has a Tammy Faye for sure. And her trainer is the owner of the gym I think. I just finally got a few shirts that are actually designed for exercise. Prior to that I did not wear my husband’s shirts but I did wear various college shirts. Not shirts that I wore in college, but shirts from my college. I love people watching at the gym.
    nicole recently posted…Casual FridayMy Profile

  17. Goodness–I needed a laugh today! Thanks so much. Not doing the gym thing right now due to surgery but I sure remember theses people when I got to go!
    Kim recently posted…EnchildadasMy Profile

  18. When I was pregnant with my daughter I started going to the Y for water aerobics. I got stopped by Naked Old Woman and lectured on the dangers of swine flu…ick! I cringe thinking about it.
    Jenny recently posted…Silly SocksMy Profile

  19. You are one funny lady! I have seen (or have been) all of these women at my gym. But at least they’re there, right? I should get my butt back and check in on them:)
    Joules recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday – Weight Watcher Friendly SnacksMy Profile

  20. You are on fire this week! Love love love!

  21. I actually get a kick out of the naked old women at the Y that I go to. No, I’m not weirdo, I don’t mean it in a sexual way. But I think it’s great how comfortable they are carrying on conversations in the locker room while their totally naked. At that Y you will see old naked women in the locker room showing other people photos of their grandchildren or carrying on conversations about their garden or any number of topics.

    Actually that particular Y has got to be the “nakedest” place you’ll ever see. It’s not just the old women that love to do everything nude there, it’s females of all ages. They do their hair naked, do their makeup naked, have conversations naked, etc. I once saw a high school girl sitting totally nude on a bench in the locker room (Thank goodness she had a towel under her butt) doing her homework while her mother was carrying on a naked conversation with an equally naked stranger.

  22. It used to shock me how I seemed to be one of the few females at the Y that didn’t prance around nude in the locker room. But after a couple of week I became completely immune to it.
    The showers at that Y are group showers like we had in high school. I’ve been standing there in the shower rinsing off in my swimsuit and been approached by my younger daughters grade school teacher who was completely nude, by my neighbor woman who was completely nude, and by two of my older daughter’s high school aged friends who were nude. A girl-friend of mine has a membership at a fancy health club, and she says that the women there are equally as naked in the locker room.

    I kind of envy their comfort level with being in the buff around other women.

  23. ROTFLMAO I know every single one of these people! Don’t forget the geriatric crowd that only goes to the gym and socializes. I used to work out and always see the same older lady talking to whomever was being held captive by a treadmill or precor. I mean honestly she would stand there talking during my entire 45 min precor workout (with an additional 5 min cool down). I do not recall ever seeing this lady do anything, but talk to others while they worked out. TFS!

  24. ok, so the “Gunner” that you speak of describes me, and I am not full of myself. Just because someone is in great shape and happens to be passing people on the track or using heavier weights doesn’t mean that they are trying to one up you. If you are a regular and in good shape than of course you are using weights that are heavier than the people that only do it on occasion or if you are running 8 minute miles of course people that only run 10 minute miles (that’s me) are going to get lapped. It sounds like you are jealous more than anything!
    Holly recently posted…Three Things Thursday!My Profile

  25. Wow. You were totally at my gym this morning! We have some old ladies, who in addition to walking around naked in the looker room wear their robes home after their workout. First they loiter in their robes in the lobby and drink coffee, then they loiter in the parking lot, then drive home. Commando.

    Enjoyed meeting you at Blissdom. Great site. Hilarious post.

  26. Now that my office shares a wall with a personal trainer’s space I would also mention the zoned out weight lifter, they have to be on another dimension to be grunting and swearing as much as they do. It’s frightening, especially since all the people I see going in there are normal looking but once they get inside they seem to turn into maniacal, cursing, free-weight lifting fools. It scares me.
    ememby recently posted…Music Monday: College Songs 2My Profile

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